Greetings. Honest ones.
I think it’s time I started my own business. I don’t have half a million dollars to start an international dessert shop, and I’ve run into an impasse making chocolate with coconut oil that is not stable at room temperature. So, I think I’ll start a new greeting card line, one that is a little truer to the human experience. The rosy-side stuff you typically see maybe isn’t the best portrayal of what we’re really thinking, so if you’re going to rely on other people’s words to portray your thoughts to others in the first place, why not utilize honest greeting cards to mark those special occasions?
What’s currently available on typical greeting cards:
I’m So Glad I Found You
The day I met you
The first note of a beautiful song was played
And since that day
Every moment with you is a symphony
That turns any dreary day into a dream
[Poem truncated to keep writer from barfing]
More realistic:
I’m Kinda Glad I Found You, Sometimes
Being with you
is kind of like
finding an old guitar
Out of tune.
but I took that old guitar
Tuned it, polished it
Changed the strings
And it kind of sounded the same
Oh well
It’s mine now, anyway
Might as well keep it around
Like you
Time to play “Dust in the Wind”
Currently available:
Front of card: Happy Birthday to ONE AMAZING 4-YEAR-OLD!!!
Inside: You are such an amazing kid! You could run the world someday; just believe in yourself! And learn to form big hooplahs celebrating yourself, like this one today, and you will become a professional baseball player, or CEO of a multi-milion dollar company, or president! Happy Birthday!!!
More realistic:
Happy Birthday to an Average 4-Year-Old!
I know you can’t read and couldn’t care less what this says, but to give a gift without a card would look lame, so I’m just following the tradition for the sake of my social life at this party. It’s actually a waste of money and paper, so maybe your generation can fix this tradition. I’m sure you’ll get something figured out since we’re going to be running out of a lot of natural resources by the time your generation is in charge of everything. Good luck with that.
PS- I hate to break this to you, but you’re no more special than any of the millions of other 4-year-olds on this planet. Sorry kid, but someone had to tell you.
PPS- While I’m at it, Santa is a BIG FAT LIE! Spread the word.
Currently available:
I’m Falling for You…
I [censored for barfy content] and [censored] to [censored censored censored barf]
More realistic:
Happy One-Year-Since-We-Met-At-That-Party Anniversary!
I know we’re not technically dating yet, but it’s been fun hanging out all year. Hopefully one day, we might, you know, like, date. Like, you know, like, exclusively? Maybe? Cheers!
Currently available:
Merry Christmas to an Out-of-This-World Boss!
[censored for silly content]
More realistic:
It’s That Time of Year…
I thought it would be in my best interest to give you this holiday card with the chocolate candy taped to the front. Hope you like the chocolate, but if you don’t, feel free to give it back to me. I’m sure it will come in handy the next time you overload my plate and don’t let me work overtime. Ha ha!
Currently available:
To the Love of My Life
Being with you is like a dream;
‘Tis as sunshine on a cool fall afternoon.
As the crisp wind embraces us
All the orange and yellow leaves
Scatter around us like confetti
In celebration of our love.
May the colorful showers never end
As long as your hand is in mine.
More realistic:
To You
Being with you
Is like wearing an old shoe
Comfortable, but holey
With rips
and stains
On the blase beige canvas
When I actually wanted chartreuse
But let us focus on the comfortable part
Because focusing on anything else makes me uncomfortable
And nothing rhymes with uncomfortable
But since when did poetry have to rhyme
So thanks for all the comfortable times
Shoe
—-
Thinkin I might be onto something here.
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