Sonya Wilson's Blog

For some reason I’ve been getting Women’s Health magazine in the mail every month.  I vaguely remember getting offered a free magazine subscription and scanning thru a list of titles for something interesting.  I saw “Women’s Health” and thought, ok, I’m into learning about health and I’m a woman, so this one works.

Unfortunately, it’s almost exactly the same magazine every month.  There’s always a picture of a young skinny girl with long tousled hair wearing a small article of clothing on the front cover, and the cover story is always “FLAT SEXY ABS!”  You’d think that after a few months we would want to read something different.  OK, maybe they do switch things up just a little–in fact, I think last month’s was probably titled “Sexy Flat Abs!”  Or maybe it was even “Abs–Sexy and Flat!”

It’s rather insulting.  First, it conveys that the most important thing to us women who want to be healthy is having “Flat Sexy Abs!”  Secondly, in case the first is true, it assumes that the article is going to tell us something novel about how to achieve this.  Thirdly, just in case there is a dash of useful information there, the fact that they never change topics shows that they expect us to forget everything we read in 30 days, so they can print the exact same article again next month (with maybe a few changes in sentence order for us sharp ones out there).  I don’t see any use for this type of magazine except to encourage us to exercise our eye-rolling skills at checkout lines.

Since I have an interest in the publishing industry in general, I should probably stop criticizing and consider a better way to go about a women’s health magazine.  How about a normal, or even homely-looking person on the cover–or better yet, a photo of a delectable plump parsnip braised to perfection–and a short list inside as to how to be healthy:

1) avoid wasting time reading irritating magazines

2) eat real food

3) exercise

4) be happy

5) Now you’re done!  Quit reading and implement!

And this mag would only have to be printed once.  Imagine!  No re-wording necessary.  But somehow—I suspect by tapping into a socialized desire for an idealized body type that most women are not genetically prone to—they keep managing to sell the same mag with the same “Flat Sexy Abs!” claim every month.

Ok, now that I’ve vented a bit, I dug into my small collection of Women’s Health front covers I’ve actually hung onto just so that I could make fun of them at an opportune time.  Friends, the time is now.  Heh heh.

And I’m not entirely correct.  They do vary their cover story titles a bit more.  Examples: “Lean and Sexy Now”/ “Beach Body Now!”/ “Sexy Abs and Butt!”/ “Tone Every Inch!”/ “Blast Belly Fat!” ad nauseum.  Then for the filler stories, there are some tantalizing titles such as “Jiggle-Free Arms,”  ”Is Your Relationship Making You Fat?” “Fight Gravity (and Win),” and “Build Lean Muscle and Blast Evil Cellulite.”

Honestly, I’m glad someone has finally decided to address how to blast evil cellulite.  But given the scope of its subjects, I think a better title for this magazine would be “Women’s Fat Wars,” which are apparently launched once women read these articles and realize that fat and gravity are intelligent enemies that need to be ruthlessly attacked and destroyed, immediately.  (Come on, women—the natural aging process is a sham!  If we don’t launch our defense now with an aimless sense of purpose–fueled by photos of women who are genetic anomalies–and slap down $4 for this mag, now, we’re going to disintegrate into a heap of sagging flesh, tomorrow!)

Don’t get me wrong.  If some people need this kind of motivation to go get some exercise, how can I say the magazine is useless?  But wait!  What’s this?  An article amidst all the “Intensive Spot Targeting Serum” ads, at the very end of the mag, entitled “Get Smarter Every Day.”  Ooh, something about brains.  Let’s see what it has to offer.

“We all want to be brighter bulbs in the chandelier.  But rather than cursing your mom for those martinis she downed while you were cooking in the womb, check out these five ways to improve your brainpower.  They’re simple, they’re fun, and one of them even involves spending QT with your TV.”

Oh wow, I can improve my brainpower while watching TV?   I’m so glad some new-age research has uncovered this one!  (Like the dolt they are making me out to be, I read on.)

“Pick up a Kafka novel or even a book of modern poetry and you’ll be helping your brain work better, according to a recent study in Psychological Science.”

Oooh, really?  A modern study PROVES this??

“When you’re exposed to something that doesn’t automatically make sense,” [um, like life?] “…your mind tries to find some other kind of meaning–a response that kicks your gray matter into high gear and enhances the part that’s in charge of learning.”

Ooooh–there’s a part of my brain that’s in charge of learning??

“…People who read lots of fiction tend to be more empathetic and socially intelligent than those who don’t.  The bottom line: Read something with substance.”

OK!!  Now that’s finally some good advice…so I guess that will end my perusal of this magazine.

P.S., to the publishers–There’s nothing wrong with my abs!!

This entry was posted on June 15, 2012 at 5:37 am and is filed under Ramblings. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.